222: What is the success system right under your nose?

222: What is the success system right under your nose?

Welcome to this episode of our short daily podcast - A Slice of Therapy.

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With Alun Parry https://liverpoolpsychotherapy.co.uk

Automatically Generated Transcript

00:01
you’re listening to a slice of therapy
00:03
with me alun parry
00:06
[Music]
00:11
there’s a famous old business story that
00:14
i’ll
00:15
probably kind of get slightly wrong but
00:17
i’ll give you the gist of it anyway you
00:19
might have heard of it
00:20
and it’s a story of the fisherman
00:24
and the industrialist now the
00:26
industrialist
00:28
is walking along the beach one day and
00:30
he spots this fisherman
00:32
and the fisherman is sat there you know
00:35
it’s about half 11 in the morning he’s
00:37
sat in the sun
00:39
he’s with his friends and his family and
00:41
having a nice time and so the
00:44
industrialist talks to him and says so
00:46
what do you do he said oh i’m
00:47
the fisherman he said i’ve already been
00:50
out today i’ve got what i need
00:52
and uh so here i am
00:56
and the industrialist says oh you know
00:59
you’re missing a trick there
01:01
the fisherman says well what do you mean
01:02
he says well
01:05
you know you could you could stay out
01:07
for longer
01:10
and get more fish and so earn more money
01:14
and the fisherman says well why would i
01:15
want to do that he says well once you
01:16
get more money
01:18
you can then start hiring other
01:20
fishermen to go out with you
01:23
and then you’ll have a big troll that
01:25
you control
01:27
and the fisherman says well why would i
01:28
want to do that he said well
01:30
once you’ve done that you’ll get enough
01:32
money that you’ll be able to open up
01:35
similar projects over at some of the
01:37
other harbors as well
01:41
and you can make it into a nice big
01:42
enterprise
01:44
and the fisherman says well why would i
01:46
want to do that and the industrialist
01:48
says well
01:48
then you’ll be able to you know you
01:50
could open up a head office in new york
01:52
and you could have these things
01:55
going on all around the world and you
01:57
would be owning and controlling all of
01:59
them and
02:00
taking the property from all of them and
02:02
you could get rich
02:04
and the fisherman says but why would i
02:06
want to do that he said well just think
02:08
of it this way
02:09
if you were rich you could sit on the
02:11
beach
02:13
sit in the sun talking to your friends
02:15
and family
02:17
and of course the fishermen said what
02:18
you think i’m doing now
02:22
now the fisherman obviously didn’t
02:24
follow that path
02:26
the fisherman didn’t take the
02:27
industrialist advice because
02:30
there was no point pursuing something
02:32
that he already had
02:35
and so when we want things in life
02:39
it’s normally because we don’t currently
02:40
have them
02:42
and then when we don’t currently have
02:44
these things in life then
02:45
that can be somewhat dispiriting
02:49
so for example at the moment my living
02:52
room is quite messy
02:53
i would like a tidy living room
02:56
i would and yet somehow i’m creating a
02:58
messy living room
03:00
at this particular moment and so that’s
03:03
frustrating but it’s still a good
03:05
example that
03:06
i want the thing that i don’t have
03:10
i don’t have a tidy living room and
03:12
that’s the thing i want
03:14
if i already had it i wouldn’t be
03:16
aspiring into it in the same
03:18
way now the question is
03:22
how on earth do we get the thing that we
03:24
want
03:26
especially if we’re wanting it
03:29
for the very good reason that we don’t
03:31
currently have it
03:33
especially because we’re wanting
03:35
something
03:38
that we’ve been unable to create
03:44
well before that feels disheartening
03:46
whether that be for a
03:48
a tidy living room or a more successful
03:51
life or more contentment or more friends
03:54
or better finances or whatever it
03:58
happens to be in your life before you
03:59
get disheartened by the fact that you
04:01
want this thing
04:03
that you don’t have one thing that you
04:06
can actually do is to look at the fact
04:09
that you don’t have it
04:11
as a way
04:15
of getting to the point of understanding
04:17
what it is
04:18
that you need to do to get that so i
04:21
often say in this podcast that one of my
04:23
favorite
04:24
adages of change is the
04:28
if something is working do more of it
04:30
but if something isn’t working
04:32
then try something else
04:36
so in terms of my messy living room i
04:39
don’t have a tidy living room i have the
04:40
opposite
04:42
and so if something isn’t working i need
04:44
to try something else
04:47
the question is what so in this podcast
04:50
what i want to show you
04:52
is how to start coming up with ideas
04:56
about what it is that you want how to
05:00
come up with ideas
05:01
how to get what you want based on the
05:04
fact that you’re not getting it
05:06
what i want to show you in this podcast
05:08
is the very fact that you’re not getting
05:10
it
05:10
is actually a pathway to what you need
05:13
to do
05:14
in order to get closer to that goal
05:17
and it all comes to do with systems
05:21
now whenever i switch on my light switch
05:24
guess what happens the light comes on i
05:26
don’t even think about it
05:27
i do it on autopilot and i have a full
05:30
expectation that the light
05:32
will come on and brighten the room
05:34
because there’s a whole system in place
05:36
in order to make that happen
05:38
unfortunately there’s also a whole
05:41
system in place that gives me
05:43
a messy living room now even though i
05:47
want a tidy living room
05:50
that might seem like a difficult thing
05:52
to achieve because i’m thinking well
05:54
i’ve not achieved that at the moment so
05:56
how am i going to achieve that in future
06:00
well the first point the first answer to
06:02
that question is that you might actually
06:04
have achieved it in the past and that’s
06:05
worth digging into
06:07
and i’ve spoken about that before and
06:08
other podcasts about finding those
06:11
moments of success from the past
06:13
and bringing them back into the present
06:17
on the basis that they’ve worked before
06:19
but i want to talk about something
06:21
slightly different today
06:22
which is the very fact that you’re not
06:24
getting it
06:26
provides you a way forward so what i
06:30
have at the moment
06:32
is an anti-system i have a system
06:35
that gets me the thing that i don’t want
06:38
i have a system that gets me
06:40
not a tidy living room but a pretty
06:43
messy one
06:45
and so all i really need to do then
06:50
is to understand what my system is like
06:54
how how have i created
06:57
a messy room i might not know how to get
07:00
to a tidy room
07:02
or i don’t know whatever the thing that
07:05
is that you want you you might not know
07:07
how to get
07:07
say more friends or or
07:11
more finances or or happiness or
07:14
whatever it is that you feel as though
07:16
you’re looking for
07:19
but it doesn’t matter that you don’t
07:20
know how to get that because you’ve
07:22
created its opposite
07:25
and so you’ve already got a system for
07:27
the opposite
07:30
so let’s riff on that you know if i were
07:32
to create a system
07:35
and in fact if i were to look at the
07:36
outcome i’ve got the moment and wonder
07:39
how i’ve created this system for a messy
07:41
living room
07:43
then i can come up with a whole host of
07:45
rules to follow
07:47
to help you get a messy living room as
07:50
well
07:52
one thing is if you have a chocolate bar
07:57
don’t get up and throw the thing in the
07:58
bin straight away just put it on the
08:00
seat next to you
08:02
that will get you a messy living room if
08:05
a parcel comes
08:06
and you open up the parcel don’t then go
08:09
and put the cardboard box in the bin
08:11
outside
08:12
just leave it on the floor if you’re
08:14
reading a book
08:16
and you’re finished with the book don’t
08:18
put it back in the bookcase
08:20
just put it on the table and leave it
08:22
there for a few days
08:24
if you’ve been watching a dvd and you’re
08:26
finished with it now
08:28
just leave it on the couch don’t take it
08:30
back to where it belongs to
08:32
and so you can see that all these
08:34
different rules
08:36
are part of my system for creating a
08:38
messy living room and it’s been very
08:40
successful because that’s what it is
08:43
now the great thing is is once you
08:45
realize that you’ve got a system
08:47
that creates the thing that you don’t
08:49
want
08:51
then it gives you some material
08:56
some food for thought in terms of
09:00
what it is that you need to try instead
09:03
in order to generate something different
09:08
in the list of things that you come up
09:10
with
09:11
for the system that you have that
09:13
creates a thing that you don’t want
09:18
you’ve actually got opposites there
09:22
and so simply by flipping many of these
09:24
things to their opposite
09:27
can provide you with a decent little
09:29
experiment
09:30
as to how to create the thing that you
09:32
do want
09:34
you’ve got the opposite of what you do
09:35
want and you now know the system
09:37
by which you created it and so all you
09:40
have to do is experiment by doing the
09:42
opposite of that system
09:45
so if i have a chocolate bar and then
09:48
leave the wrapper
09:50
next to me on the sofa if that’s one of
09:53
the rules of my system for creating a
09:55
messy living room
09:57
then i just need to do the opposite
09:58
don’t i i just need to experiment
10:01
that every time i have a chocolate bar
10:05
what i can do in the future is to go and
10:07
take the wrapper and put it in the bin
10:10
if for instance when i finish with a
10:12
book i just leave it out
10:14
and that’s my current system then i can
10:16
flip that too
10:18
and say well in future i’m going to take
10:20
that book
10:21
and put it away now the very fact that
10:25
we are
10:26
creating the thing that we don’t want is
10:29
not a cause for alarm but a cause for
10:31
hope
10:32
because by digging down and being
10:34
playful and saying okay so what is my
10:37
system for creating this thing that i
10:39
don’t want
10:40
what is my system for creating the
10:42
opposite of what i do want
10:45
because once we get the rules to that
10:46
system it gives us some source material
10:50
about what our experiments could be when
10:53
we decide to do something
10:55
else according to that old adage if it’s
10:57
not working
10:58
try something else so if we have a
11:01
system for creating the opposite of what
11:03
we want
11:04
then if we turn that system upside down
11:08
maybe we’d actually get what we do want
11:12
so let’s just recap that because we saw
11:14
this example at the start of me of the
11:16
fisherman who’s having a lovely time on
11:18
the beach chatting to his friends and
11:20
family
11:21
and the industrialist wanted to take him
11:24
all around the houses and do all this
11:26
effort
11:26
in order to get back to the place that
11:28
he already was
11:29
and of course we don’t do that do we we
11:31
want things
11:32
that we don’t have and yet the very fact
11:36
that we don’t have the things that we
11:37
want
11:39
is actually a source of optimism because
11:43
what we can do there is actually break
11:44
it down
11:46
and say what is my system
11:49
for creating the opposite of what i’m
11:51
really after
11:53
because each of those rules can then be
11:56
flipped
11:57
and the likelihood is that when we flip
11:59
those rules that actually might be a
12:01
good experiment to try
12:03
to see if it gets us to what we do want
12:06
having the opposite and knowing the
12:09
rules by which
12:10
it creates the opposite to what we want
12:13
can often be the first step to simply
12:17
flipping it
12:18
in order to get what you do want and so
12:21
we saw the example of my living room
12:23
and all these different rules that i’ve
12:26
noticed in my system to create a messy
12:28
room
12:29
if i were to just flip them chances are
12:32
i’d get the tidy room that i actually
12:35
want
12:37
now if you’ve enjoyed this and you would
12:40
like somebody else to benefit then
12:42
please share the episode
12:43
you can work with me directly one to one
12:45
i’m alun parry you can find out more at
12:47
liverpool psychotherapy dot co dot uk
12:50
even if you’re not local because i do
12:51
work online and please subscribe to the
12:54
podcast because it’s completely free
12:56
and it means that you’ll never miss an
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episode again so thanks for listening
13:00
i’ll be back again tomorrow with another
13:02
one

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